Just Stay.

sorry this is so long.

i’ve been thinking a lot today and i realized that i have to talk about things. i have brushed everything away, pushed it down, focused on school and brown and that’s honestly not getting me anywhere. i feel sad. yup, sad. at school i can laugh and be happy because there are people around who distract me and make things a bit easier, but then i get home and i just lose it all. even at school it hits me and i feel awful. no one really realizes i think, or if they do, they very quickly accept my “i’m fine.” i can’t keep pushing this all away, its not working for me. i know no one will probably read this, but that’s okay. i just need somewhere i can get this out. so here goes, not in any particular order. there will be namedropping.

i am truly very alone. i have friends. friends that i only talk to at school and honestly don’t know that i have any emotions other than happy. the few people who actually know what’s going on, i pushed away or left me. i really messed things up with becky. i don’t know how it happened. i was stressed and hurt and everything and i just took it out on her. i kicked her out. and i know things aren’t going to be the same with us ever again, and i am so sorry for that. i hope she knows how much of a beautiful person she is. even if she reads this and forgives me for everything. i still don’t know if i’m at a point in my life where i can start a new relationship. i don’t have any energy. and kelye, she is so great and is one of my best friends. but i miss her so much. i never see her and she really has this whole other life that i’m not a part of just like i have a life that she’s not part of. it makes me sad. but still, i’m glad that i have her around whenever i do. and when we do get to see each other, even after weeks, it still feels so normal. no awkwardness, no weirdness. i can tell her anything and its nice. and kala. i love kala, i really do. she’s fun to be around, though she’s busy a lot. i just feel like she is always getting mad at me, i’m always doing something to offend her, and i feel like its really unfair. i feel like she doesn’t look at it from my point of view. but i forgive her because i can’t handle being anymore alone than i already am. i know this is bad of me, but i just don’t have a good feeling about michael and all of those other kids she hangs out with. she’s better than them. which sounds terrible. but its true. they just aren’t at all like me. i’m sorry, kala. other than those people, that’s pretty much all i have left. i lost savannah, bryce, naweed, becky, wes.

speaking of wes. this is so stupid. i hate that i’m STILL bothered by everything. how pathetic am i? how stupid is it to still care about him? its been over a year now and he’s with someone else. i have to let go and i’m trying so hard. but see the thing is is that i honestly loved him so damn much. he was incredible. and i justified every thing he did that hurt me. i let him get away with everything, because i just wanted him to love me back. which sounds so stupid. i let him in. i needed him so much and i still do and he’s just not around anymore and its sad. i lost one of my best friends and he doesn’t even care. i can’t even talk to him anymore with out being a flat out bitch because it just hurts so bad. because i look at him and see that kid that i loved, that kid that made me feel safe and important, and then i see that he’s gone, that he doesn’t look at me like he used to. i just don’t want to be forgotten. he broke my heart, and after this summer, waiting around and what i got, he broke everything. and now he has a new girl and is so happy and that hurts. it hurts to be forgotten so easily. and i know that it will continue to hurt until i don’t have to see him anymore. i don’t know how to feel like that with anyone else. i’m scared that i never will.

things were easier when sam was home. i had someone around to help me out, so i wasn’t fighting by myself against my family. i just really miss her. no one gets it quite like her. and i know she’s happy and i’m so glad, but i just wish i could see her more. and now she’s not coming home for the summer. yeah, that’s a hard thing to come to terms with.

my mom is good. she means well. but she just pushes too much. she yells at me and complains and gets angry because i’m not doing things right because its not up to her standards, because she can’t see how much work i’m putting or how much i’m trying or struggling. and that’s hard. its hard not to have any safe house. i sure as hell don’t want to be at my dads. he doesn’t care at all. and i hate that house. and whenever i’m here mr. ross is to or my mom is angry. it makes it hard. i think that’s why i spend so much time at starbucks. i can just get away. i dont have to be around everything. my mom just increases the pressure ten fold and that makes everything harder. especially with this car thing. i need a car, it was my escape. and i dont want to sound greedy, but it is important. its causing problems and i’m burdening other people, which i hate to do.

school this year is hard. it’s a lot of work. and i’m trying so hard. i have things to do for every class nearly every night. and i’m doing everything to the best of my abilities. it just makes it hard to balance a life outside of school and college and forensics. i love my classes though. honestly, they are wonderful. its probably the only decent thing in my life right now. except forensics. forensics is killing me. i hate having sixth period and having to see wes and all of the other junior/obnoxious people. i don’t like that. plus i can’t partner with wes anymore. i dont want to be around him. i can’t be around him. it sucks. and honestly, as stupid as it sounds and as much as i deny it, it really hurts to not be president. i feel like i deserved it. alexa works though. i can’t blame her. 

brown. i want it so bad. i just know. i know its right for me and i belong there. but i can feel it, i know it’s not going to happen, and that really hurts. and i feel like no one truly gets that. this has been my dream for 4 years now, its all i have worked for. i want it so badly it hurts, and i know i’m not going to get it. everyone keeps saying “oh you’ll get in” or “there are plenty of other schools.” but a) i probably won’t. and b) so what? i dont want other schools. i want brown. this hurts so much. i feel like i really just messed it up for myself by procrastinating. i don’t know why i did that, but i did. i’m dream is kind of falling apart around me and blair waldorf is probably the only one who knows what i mean. 

gossip girl is my lifeline. how pathetic is that? all i want to do anymore is lay in bed and watch it. i don’t care about anything else. i can’t bring myself to do anything else, go out do work. i hardly eat full meals now. i eat a little bit throughout the day. my body just hurts. god, this sounds like i’m depressed. i’m not. i’m just struggling. 

so now it’s halloween. i’m sitting here. crying and typing up my emotions. congrats to me. hope you had a good day. the end.